Sometimes · Here...

First... I have quit smoking. Or should I say I'm in the process of quitting. Its been 2 weeks and I'm feeling pretty good about it. My sense of smell is in overload though, to the point that "EVERYTHING STINKS!" I had a great sense of smell while I was smoking, but now that I've quit... SHEESH!.

I haven't tried having a beer yet, it might be too soon for that, but I have hung out with other smokers and didn't have any issues. Thank you, Chantix!

Having freed up that massive amount of money, I decided to join the gym. Monthly membership comes out to be less than one carton of smokes was. I now get to go back to Yoga classes! YAY! I find yoga, besides being awesome exercise, really keeps my stress levels down and my mind more centered. I've only made it to one class so far, but am anxiously awaiting the routine to be settled in.

Work is... work. We want so badly to buy a house while prices are down, so I gotta stick it out here as long as I can. I'm close to going postal on the accountant, but I try to remind myself that she really and truly has serious mental problems. I know I'll totally go off on her when/if I ever leave this place though. God, I look forward to that day.

I wanna get back into RPing and writing... I just need to find the energy and time. I miss people there. ::Sniffle::

I'm having one of those days where it feels like I just don't have any friends. I know the issue is that I have a problem and I just don't have anyone to talk to about it. It's partially related to my age, so most of my younger friends wouldn't get it. It's a chick thing, so that rules out guys. It's probably the biggest "Sticky" point in my otherwise pretty rockin' life.

Ok, the "Pity Poor Paige" party is over.

I get the feeling you think I abandoned you (again.) That wasn’t the case the first time (hysterectomy) and it wasn’t this time either.

When my mom had her stroke, I saw my family start to disintegrate. Mom wasn’t herself and no one knew how to handle it. Except me, apparently. All my focus shifted to being the hub of support for my three brothers and three sisters. I fielded calls, did research, called doctors, and most of this I had to do from over 2000 miles away. See, y family leans towards the over-sensitive side. Any little thing can set them into a frenzy, or tears, or even a stubborn silence. Luckily, thanks to my hubby and being so many years removed from living near them, I’ve toughened up.

When I wasn’t being the family’s “whipping post”, I was retreating into myself to try and find some peace and solace. RPing held so little interest for me. I couldn’t pretend to be someone else when I was having trouble just being me. (Not that I realized all this at the time) I checked myspace and facebook, as you know. I sent texts to those I was closest too. I stayed in contact as best I could.

This past July 4th, I was able to go back to WI again for the first time since I’d been there directly after my mom’s stroke. When I got there, things were still pretty messy, though there had been some improvement. Mom was on anti-anxiety pills though. Hooked on them. To the point that when she started to run low, she panicked. Between my AMAZING husband and I, we convinced her to get off of them, while we were there to help her get past the worst of the withdrawal. The pills were SO suppressing her system, that it almost amplified the what we thought were emotional effects of the stroke. She had been sleeping most of the day, often crying and emotional. Within the first three days, there was a marked improvement. I started to see my fun, funny and warm mom come back to life. (On a side note, it never fails to amaze me how much drugs of any kind can have such a profound effect not just on one’s physical body, but also on their personality.)

The first time my mom thanked me for making her get off those valium,(She called and thanked me everyday for almost two weeks after, too!) I felt as though the ropes that had been tying me down were fraying and breaking away. It wasn’t until that point that I realized just how much of my own emotions were affected by my families’. I still pride myself on being the level-headed one, the one that has a mostly healthy balance between emotional investment and the ability to step back and look at things rationally. In hindsight, I should have sought out someone for me to lean on, just as my family had leaned on me.

But…. I didn’t. My retreat into myself was the only way I knew (at the time), how to handle things.

Here’s a confession – I don’t really have any close friends. The one friend I hang out with most of the time is so different from me. We don’t really enjoy any of the same hobbies or outings; we don’t have much in common at all. When we’re hanging out at home with our hubbies, is when we’re having the most fun together. Other than that, we don’t do … anything. I have what could be called “Friends in Law”, friends that I have simply due to my marriage to Bear, and I know I could talk to any number of them if I needed to, but it just doesn’t feel…. right.

You, and the other people in this “box” are the only friends I have that are truly mine. Some I’ve met in person, most I haven’t. Some I really, really want to. That includes you, Sweety. I know you have trust issues with “strangers”. I know you feel like family members are the only people you can really count on. I know you’re very close with your family. From all accounts I’ve seen, you have an amazing, supportive and wonderful family. I’ve never, ever worried that you wouldn’t have all the help you needed, if you needed it. I know I disappeared at a wonderful, and yet worrisome time in your life, but I can’t image you ever needing me.

On the other hand, I miss you, terribly. I know you haven’t written me off totally, your text after the earthquake told me that. I know you have so much going in your own life at the moment, and maybe I’m totally wrong, maybe you’re not upset, but my knotted up tummy tells me otherwise.

I love you. You mean a lot to me. Even if you never speak to me again, you’ll always mean a lot to me.

Yeah, I can see this...

You scored as Cultural Creative. Cultural Creatives are probably the newest group to enter this realm. You are a modern thinker who tends to shy away from organized religion but still feels as if there is something greater than ourselves. You are very spiritual, even if you are not religious. Life has a meaning outside of the rational. </td> Cultural Creative 81% Romanticist 63% Postmodernist 63% Idealist 56% Modernist 50% Materialist 44% Existentialist 44% Fundamentalist 31% What is Your World View? created with QuizFarm.com

I've got a bike
You can ride it if you like
It's got a basket
A bell that rings
And things to make it look good
I'd give it to you if I could
But I borrowed it

You're the kind of girl that fits in with my world
I'll give you anything
Everything if you want things

I've got a cloak
It's a bit of a joke
There's a tear up the front
It's red and black
I've had it for months
If you think it could look good
Then I guess it should

You're the kind of girl that fits in with my world
I'll give you anything
Everything if you want things

I know a mouse
And he hasn't got a house
I don't know why
I call him Gerald
He's getting rather old
But he's a good mouse

You're the kind of girl that fits in with my world
I'll give you anything
Everything if you want things

I've got a clan of gingerbread men
Here a man
There a man
Lots of gingerbread men
Take a couple if you wish
They're on the dish

You're the kind of girl that fits in with my world
I'll give you anything
Everything if you want things

I know a room full of musical tunes
Some rhyme
Some ching
Most of them are clockwork
Let's go into the other room and make them work

Lil update, but big news. Not like I ever have time to be here anymore, but that just might change, at least temporarily.

On April 6th, I'll be having a hysterectomy. A final ending to 16 years worth of "chick" problems, though a door closing, locking and welding shut on ever having kids. Granted, it was going to take a lottery win to have them, but it was still a remote possibility.

I'm okay with the no kids thing, at least 98% so, and I'm so relieved/grateful that the pain associated with my female internal organs is almost over, it picks up that missing 2%. There's always adoption and foster care, right.

Its a 6-8 week recovery at home on disability. My dear, sweet mommy is flying in again today to help take care of me, so there's a plus.

Y'all take care, and know that while I may not be here as often as I want to be, you're all always in my heart and on my mind, Especially asianmuse, baihua, carnage669 (and his brother), darthwiater, fixit, haeleymouse, imblue5, jakethrash, jaycy, jhdiddle, kitsuneko, leesalogic, limitlessgirl, mvh_deux, qzarian,and last but not least… strumglory.

The Good:
http://kevan.org/johari?view=justpaige

The Bad:
http://kevan.org/nohari?view=justpaige

The Ugly:
I hardly ever have an internet connection anymore... I miss everyone.

I had the most amazing visit with my mother. She was here for three weeks and it still wasn’t enough time. I can truly say that my mommy is my best friend. I can quite literally tell her anything. At 71 years old, she is an incredible, intelligent, wonderful, loving and fun person. I hope to God I can turn out like her.

But… She had to go home again.

I don’t recall ever feeling so… sad. Not depressed, not bummed… but outright sad. I can’t remember the last time I’ve cried that hard… I don’t think I ever have. I cry at the loss of loved ones and other “appropriate” times. But its never been as gut-wrenchingly painful as saying goodbye to her was this time. Its been 2 weeks since I watched her disappear into the airport, and I’m still not myself. I miss her so terribly.

You haven’t seen me in a while… and probably won’t for a while again. I’m sorry if anyone is bothered by this. Its not likely… I’ve been gone so long now, I’m little more than a phantom. Least that’s how it feels…

I miss my mommy.

This doesn't sum it up, but it does reflect a portion of things:

Artist: Godsmack
Song: Running Blind
Album: The Other Side

Can’t find the answers
I’ve been crawling on my knees
Looking for anything
To keep me from drowning
Promises have been turned to lies
Can’t even be honest inside
Now I’m running backward
Watching my life wave me goodbye

Running blind
I’m running blind
Somebody help me see I’m running blind

Searching for nothing
Wondering if I’ll change
I’m trying everything
But everything still stays the same
I thought if I showed you I could fly
Wouldn’t need anyone by my side
Now I’m running backward
With broken wings I know I’ll die

Running blind
I’m running blind
Somebody help me see I’m running blind
Running blind
Running blind
Running blind

I can’t find the answers
I’ve been crawling on my knees
Looking for anything
To keep me from drowning
I’m running blind
Running blind
Running blind
Running blind
Running blind
Running blind
Running blind
Running blind
Running blind

I know its been a long time since I've updated this thing, and a long time since I've spent any time online ( Here's why...(long entry to follow) )

You were warned.

The boss decided to take the office out to lunch today, and as usual, we go to this semi-trendy little cafe in town here. The food isn't my style, but .. its tolerable. (I'd much rather have a big juicy steak or burger than a fashionable salad anyday.)

We're walking in and I see this guy with really long hair pulled through a baseball cap and I'm thinking he looks familiar. I whispered to Linda (My co-worker and occasional partner in crime) that I thought I knew that guy and couldn't figure out from where. I've met a lot of people in this small town and can't always remember where I know them from... work, the bar, etc...

So Linda sorta scoffs and says "He just has that rocker sorta look... like Anthrax or something". Then it hit me. I gasped quietly and said "MegaDave!" Linda gave me an odd look, so I explained further. "Dude, that's Dave Mustaine, from Megadeth! Ya know? He used to be in Metallica?" She realized I was right and we're getting all girly and giggly. (Pathetic, I know.) Jeff, the boss, looks at us and tells us we're crazy. That it probably just looked like him. I, though, was convinced. Said it HAD to be him. Well, about then, the waitress shows up to take our order and I ask her if she knows if the long haired guy up front with the two kids was "someone famous". She said she didn't know, but she could probably ask. A short time later, she came back and said she looked at his receipt and it said "Dave Moose- something"! Ha! Victory is mine! "Dave Mustaine?" I asked. She nodded, Linda and I high fived. Jeff laughed and said "You called it, Paige".

I would have loved to have gone and gotten his autograph, but I can't see bugging a guy while he's trying to have lunch with his kids. (Who were wearing uniforms from one of the local schools here.) Apparently, he lives in the area, so I'll likely get a chance again.

The Hubby wanted me to walk by singing a Megadeth song. Hehe. MegaDave must have figured out I recognized him though, as when I did go by again, he was wearing his sunglasses inside, and it sure wasn't bright.
15 freaking years in Southern California and its only the second famous person I've ever seen.

just thought i would post it, for those on prescription meds, well..and even those who aren't. it's an interesting read.
( I'm hitting CostCo. )

. Grab the nearest book.

2. Open the book to page 123.

3. Find the fifth sentence.

4. Post the text of the sentence in your journal...along with these instructions.

5. Don't search around and look for the "coolest" book you can find. Do what's actually next to you.

From RVing Basics by Bill and Jan Moeller(Yes, it was really the nearest book):

"This arrangement causes two pivot points: the center of the axle and the ball"

I guess it could be twisted into something its not?

Nope, I'm not sick or dying, I just feel like it. Work has been hectic as hell, I'm working long.. long... Lllloooonnnngggg days. If you've noticed I've been gone, then you're likely one of the people I'm missing terribly. (You people know who you are.) Of course some of the people I'm missing don't do the LJ thing, so if anyone has noticed my absense and inquires (not likely). Tell them I just don't have the energy after 12 hour days to really get online. To those of you reading this... I MISS YOU SOOOO MUCH! Luvs yas!

Yes, so its been a very... very ... ok... an EXTREMELY long time since I've done any updates of any real substance, but you're still not getting one here. Heh.

I will however, give a quicky run down:

1. Job - Love it, love it, love it! Been there since March, have gotten three raises already, will be getting a promotion once our new office is built, got put on salary (something they don't do unless you've proven you're a hard worker, only 3 out of the 30 or so employees they have are on salary.) My bosses are not only really awesome people at work, they know how to cut loose and have fun off of work too. (Nothing like seeing your male boss in a nurses uniform and a red thong and bra on halloween..)

2. Home - Love that too! Yes, I live in a much loved, albeit old (1970's) trailer house. Yay! I'm white trailer trash again! Though it does sit on 11 acres of country side with a spectacular view and teeming with wildlife. Love hearing the coyotes at night.

3. Friends - Its an incredibly warm, secure feeling when you have friends that you just KNOW would do anything in the world for you. I have them. (Wasn't gonna mention names as there are far, far too many people I care about, but there are two who I need to mention personally. A couple who I've grown very attached to over the past few months. Beth and Jason, I love the two of you dearly. I can't wait to be there in October, but... no laughing at me if I tear up. Hehehe)

4. Love Life - I have my Bear. If you've ever talked to be for more than 15 minutes at a time, I've probably mentioned him at least once. 10 years together, we've never had even one fight. It just keeps getting better. It may sound cliche, but Tom is truly my best friend along with everything else he is to me. I wouldn't die without him, but I'd sure wanna. There is no one I'd rather spend my time with.

5. Me! - Fatter, Older, less cute, but happy. =) Like the Icon? Its me if I was a Lego!